Bathroom Etiquette

One of the most difficult tasks you may encounter throughout the course of the work day often times has nothing to do with your actual job.  Instead, it occurs every time you enter the jungle that is the public restroom - in my case, a three-holer.  You can see where this is going....

On a number of occasions, I have found myself in unique situations with my fellow toilet dwellers.  As such, I feel compelled to lay out for the world my thoughts on what (in my opinion) constitutes as appropriate bathroom etiquette and explain the set protocol to be followed should you ever find yourself in a bathroom debacle.

• Flying Solo - This is the ideal situation.  You are In and Out without any disruptions and have your choice of stall.  While this seems straight forward, let me make it absolutely clear - you should never opt for the middle stall.  What if someone enters while you are occupying the facilities?  You are automatically violating their personal space by taking up the middle.  You always go right or left when the options are three wide - never middle.

• The Tweener - This drives me insane.  Who goes into a public restroom to find all three stalls open and chooses to split the difference?!  Someone who must think PRETTY highly of themselves to think the next person through the door wants to sit on top of them.  This can also occur when someone enters the confines of the restroom and finds EITHER the right or left stall is in use.  Instead of being a normal human being and respecting the boundaries of others, The Tweener will set up shop next door as opposed to maximizing the space in between.  This is not the correct approach.  Should you find yourself in a situation where there is already an occupant on the right or left, you always choose the furthest stall option away from your fellow visitor.

• In and Out - The well conditioned, self-aware guest.  This is the person who acknowledges their surroundings and acts accordingly given the situation.  They are cognizant of what is going on around them and calculate the length of their stay based on the information gathered.  They are in and out in no time flat, leaving their stall mate in a relaxed state and left to carry on as they please.

• Girl Talk - One of the most annoying things that can happen to a female.  Going #2 is stressful enough, but a co-worker decides to make the trip with you.  Ugh...  Now you are forced to execute a Fake Out, pray your "friend" is not a Lingerer and quickly start planning your great escape from the office without anyone noticing.

• The Fake Out - We have all done it.  This can happen in one of two ways:

1.) you are Flying Solo when all of a sudden you hear the footsteps coming closer.  You immediately finish up what you can and act as if nothing happened.  If you have the timing down to a science, you are already washing your hands by time the next visitor makes her grand entrance.

2.) The most disappointing thing that can happen on your way to the bathroom is that someone walks out of another office and beats you to the punch.  Then what?  You are stuck walking in after them and pretending to go #1 when really a #2 is what is necessary for the greater good of mankind.  In this scenario, you either immediately just wash your hands and leave, hoping for a better return in the next 5 minutes or so; or you wait it out: blowing your nose, washing your hands, whatever you can do to put off the inevitable and hope that the person you walked in with is moving forward with an In and Out.

• Race to the Finish - Similar to scenario one in The Fake Out, the Race to the Finish occurs when you hear an intruder coming.  If you are fortunate enough to be close to completion, you are able to wrap things up without leaving any evidence prior to the intruder's entry.  While not ideal as it makes for a stressful finale, this one is relatively low on the scale of annoyance as it does not interfere too much with the original plan of attack.

• The Lingerer - This is probably one of the most unfortunate situations, because you find yourself trapped and a whole new level of panic ensues.  You walk in, ready to get down to business and find you have a stall mate.  You do your due diligence and analyze your surroundings, gather the information available and process your findings.  All signs point to this visitor finishing up soon and being on their merry way.  You thought wrong.  This person is a fighter, a true competitor, who is not going to give up that easily.  At this point, it is all about will power.  You both have the same end goal, the only question is who is going to stick it out long enough to take home the prize?  As upset as your stomach becomes you have to force a smile, because dammit you respect the shit out of that person fighting the good fight.

• Dodging A Bullet - One of the most rewarding feelings in bathroom etiquette.  You have taken care of your business and are making your way to the door as someone else is walking in.  God is looking out for you on this day, yes He is.

• Courtesy Flush - This is an exercise that should be utilized more frequently, in my opinion.  You know what I mean... No one wants to walk into the stall and become witness to the crime scene that you have left behind.

• Loud Talker - While I can appreciate that it may be drowning out the awkwardness of being in a public restroom with your porcelain loving friends, please shut up.  For the love of God, just shut up.  No on needs to hear about your ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's pictures on Facebook and how pathetic she must be to post them.  But I ask you this, how pathetic are you for stalking her?  The point is, I should never be given the opportunity to question your personal life without knowing you as an individual, or even seeing your face for that matter.  The bathroom should be looked at as a safe haven, free of all negativity.  Like a spa of sorts - spas are quiet, right? 

As you can see, bathroom etiquette is an exercise that should be practiced daily.  I would even consider having this be a main focus of discussion in health class.  It is deserving of a proper education, no doubt.  Learning to be on the offensive instead of the defensive in a bathroom situation is an art, truly.  One that is mastered with years of experience and a developed confidence to simply not care as you come to terms that everyone poops.  Happy flushing!